I fell. My sobriety came crashing down, and I started drinking again. There were a lot of reasons, but mostly, for a little while, I didn’t want to feel. I’ve written about my depression before, and about my cynicism toward life in general. I try my best to stay positive. I really do. But it’s hard sometimes, ya know? Sometimes life walks right up, slaps you across the face, and leaves you staring into the distance, wondering where you went wrong.
And the truth is, nothing went wrong.
I’d been carrying too much, and I don’t handle stress well when it keeps building and building. I don’t handle drastic change well, either. And what’s more drastic than trading comfort for the unknown? I tried it once with Japan and failed epically. Now I’m struggling the same way all over again. The imposter syndrome. The search for my place in a new community. Finding myself alone more often than not. All of it has been eating at me.
And my job turned out to be… just a job. The dream I had going in has faded, and the shine is gone. It’s not a bad job, and my coworkers are amazing, wonderful humans. But it demands a lot and offers too few resources to carry out the vision handed down from above. I’m coming to terms with that. Now I only want to pay off my bills and walk away.
My writing and streaming goals are becoming my true focus. And that’s the upside of this job… paid bills, plus extra money to put toward my writing (like hiring a proper editor!) and better-quality streams. And, of course, splurging on video games and my queen (the cat).
It’s been a tough adjustment, and I’m doing my best. I’m getting back up from my stumbles. By the time November ends, I hope I’ll be in a better place mentally and back on the path to sobriety.