Warning, I am venturing into my own mental health in this lovely September. I touch on questioning life, my depression, and general state of myself. If you are going through a hard time too, please know you’re not alone.
When do you know you’re in the right place? Or that the path you’re on is the correct one?
This question lingers in the back of my mind almost every day. In my thirty-six years of life, I’m not sure I’ve ever come close to an answer. There have been times where a place felt right, like I was meant to be in that exact spot, for that exact moment, but everything else felt wrong. The job. The people. The circumstances surrounding the place, or the moment itself. And when you look back at whatever it was, do you actually know if it was right? Or does the doubt just keep lingering, refusing to resolve itself?
It’s a strange kind of self-sabotage, if I’m honest. You’d think thirty-six years would be enough time to learn how to just trust a good thing while it’s happening, instead of interrogating it from every angle to make sure it’s really as good as it seems. But that’s not how my brain works. I pick apart the job, the people, the timing, the version of myself who said yes to any of it, looking for the crack that proves it was never going to hold. Sometimes I find one. And the crack can be anything from a simple request of a boss or missing a pup.
The hardest adjustment for me is always the distance I put between myself and my pups. For second time in three years, I chose to leave my fur babies behind. I have Liara with me, and I love her dearly… But, Alistair and Morrigan are back in Arkansas, with my parents… In the same boat that drove me away from my dream destination of Japan. Now, I want to give up on an incredible opportunity to simply be with them again. There’s other reasons I want to leave the job too, but that’s the first crack… The missing of the pups.
I don’t know how to fill the crack. There’s nothing that can. I spend more time missing them than I do enjoying the place I’ve found myself in… All because it feels wrong. It feels wrong to have this distance, to be away from them. It feels wrong to not have them greet me when I come home from a long day of work.
So is this right for me? This moment? It doesn’t feel right. I do like the people. The job (well, aspects of it). And even where I live… But… They aren’t here, Alistair and Morrigan… And it makes all of this feel so wrong… And I feel horrible for not finding joy in this moment…
Join me as I adventure and reflect on life with Echoes of a Journey. Or join me on my streaming journey with Musings of a Streamer. And, if you’re really awesome, join me live on Twitch, Monday through Thursday at 8:00pm and Saturday & Sunday starting at 8:00am and 6:00pm US Eastern.