Category: Echoes of a Journey

This week, I have little in the way of updates. Nothing too exciting has happened. Nor has anything bad. In the two weeks since I’ve been unemployed, I’m fairly happy. My dogs seem to enjoy me being around more. My kitten is driving me crazy. They are my lifelines and keep me grounded as I job hunt.

You often hear job hunting is a nightmare, and that’s true. I’m not sure if it’s all doom and gloom like folks over on LinkedIn portray (a lot of it feels like an echo chamber), but maybe I haven’t stewed enough. The lowest I felt was on the Friday after I was let go. I felt the dread of the world on my shoulders. Something I never felt when I was younger and job hunting.

At 25, fresh from graduating undergrad (I know, undergrad lasted a long time for me), I applied to a single place, South Coast Repertory. That was the extent of my fresh out-of-school job hunting. I got the job. After that, I applied to graduate school on a whim and got in. When I realized the school wasn’t a right fit for me, I applied to Actor’s Theatre of Louisville. Again, the only place I applied and also landed the position. After that, I found myself back at my parent’s home because of a cancer scare with my dad. When things settled down with that, I tried graduate school again. Thankfully, grad school stuck that time. Unfortunately, that was during COVID. Post-grad school jobs have been a series of lucky happen stances from being offered an adjunct position at the school I graduated from to finding myself in Japan.

I say all this to express how lucky I have been, especially in my twenties. It felt easier then, and I was rather flippant about it. I didn’t care if I got a job or not (bad attitude, I know). And, in a lot of ways, I wasn’t ready for the jobs that I landed.

Now, at thirty-five, I’m trying to enjoy the hunt. I fine tune my resume and adjust to fit the jobs I’m applying for. There is an odd calming nature to that process, one I enjoy. With each change and edit to cover letters and resumes, I grow confident that my skills and experiences are solid. I’m not flippant. I want and need a job. And, every job I apply for, I know I can do. Whether it’s education, content writing, or learning and development positions… I know, in my heart, I have the skills to succeed in each role or field. 

Hopefully, someone will believe that too. 

So, onward to the hunt! I will find a job sooner or later! 

And for those also on the hunt, you’ve got this! Keep at it!

No Lavender Knight Chapter III or Musings of a Streamer this month. 

Time got away from me. Laziness held me hostage. Unemployment depression destroyed me. Insert other half-hearted excuses, but the truth is I didn’t work on either. My focus drifted towards other projects. My scriptwriting obsession called me away.

Back in April, I stumbled onto the Disney Entertainment Television Writing Program. Ambition made me think I could jump in without preparation. I started work on original pilots (something the application mentions not to do, they wanted something already finished). I enjoyed those pilots so much, I created a complete season treatment for one, and a detailed breakdown for the second episode of the other. High on hubris, I thought I created incredible television scripts!

Surprise, they were not good. Who would have thought?

After I sat on the pilots for a few days, I read them and realized I am not ready for the program. I humbled myself without feedback. My pilots need more time to cook, and I need more experience writing scripts. My errors mirrored those I’d criticize students for. Entry into the program is difficult. They want staff-ready writers for their shows, something I’m not.

I need stronger outlines for the pilots. Scenes need to be cut. Characters goals need clarity. Dialogue needs to be sharper (curse my theatre background for long flowery monologues). Descriptions need stronger imagery. General grammar and spelling need improvements. In short, my two scripts need refinement to make them worth reading and submission ready.

While working on the scripts, I began reimagining The Lavender Knight. After listening to Gundog, an episodic audio novel by Gary Whitta, I fell in love with the format. I wondered if I could do something similar for The Lavender Knight. It already follows an episodic structure, without the audio. However, the early versions are quite rough. Chapters 1 and 2 need full rewrites before I can even think about recording. I also want to finish the entire story before I start recording.

So, announcement? 

The Lavender Knight will find life as an episodic audio novel. The timeline for when isn’t quite clear to me yet. I need to create a plan. Ask for a few favors from friends for music and other audio needs. I do want to continue sharing the rough drafts. There is a ton to consider as I travel down this path. 

So, that’s my unproductive, productive writing journey for May! We still have a week to go. Who knows what changes may happen? 

Now, back to my pilot… I just thought of a scene with my main duo.

It’s over.

For better or worse.

I’m no longer employed. I have no job or major source of income. I have a few hundred dollars saved, but not enough if something drastic happens. My streamer life flounders. Writing brings comfort, but I debate: self-publish or chase after traditional routes?

I feel liberated and terrified. I try to stay positive, but last night (Sunday night at the time of writing this), I spiraled into a depression.

I know what I want to do. Write. Stream. Survive.

Though survival requires a job. And, truthfully, I’m not great at the whole ‘job’ thing. A traditional 9 to 5 is not worth it for my sanity, no matter the salary. I’m stubborn and question everything—making me a nightmare for employers. I love teaching but this is a hard thing to pursue at a university level. I need a publishing history to secure employment beyond an adjunct position.

For six years, I’ve planned writing and streaming goals. None of it has paid off. I’ve struggled to be consistent. My streaming numbers show no growth; I’m losing followers and have 0 subscribers after a huge boost in February. My writing sits in a vacuum. I write a lot, but I’m scared to release anything to the world.

I love both. They keep me sane and focused when I feel myself falling into the depression that creeps into my brain. They are what I love and cherish as hobbies.

They are important parts of a life I want to live.

So where do I go from here?

I’ll keep writing, of course.

I’ll keep streaming too. It’s the only way I play video games now.

I tell myself to reign in my dreams, but it’s hard, you know? Why continue on when your dreams have gone?

I don’t intend this blog to be depressing. I know the last few have all sounded the same. I wrote this blog in a post-melancholic episode. I chose to share, despite the self-pity coloring in my words. I’m a dreamer. It’s soul-crushing when reality deviates from your plans. It’s time I simply accept it.

It’s hard, though. I’m too damn stubborn.

It’s time I pick myself up and keep going. Yes. I’m unemployed. Yes, I’m drowning in student debt. Yes, I am still living with my parents who keep taking me in when my dreams hit a dead end. Despite all that, I keep getting back up. I keep daring to dream.

For better or worse.

One foot after another,

I’ll find my path forward, through all the muck and grime.

For better or worse.

One foot after another,

My journey will continue through the trials and tribulations.

For better or worse.

One foot after another,

That’s all anyone can ever do.

I have a burning desire to write scripts. In the fall semester, when I taught a playwriting class, I quickly realized I missed theatre. Thankfully, I could stay within the theatre sphere by teaching sound design in the spring. Since the fall semester, my love of scriptwriting returned. The passion the students showed was inspiring. They made me want to dive headfirst into a passion that I put on pause for way too long. 

I’ve been writing a lot of scripts lately, from plays to short films to television scripts. A lot of it is bad, like most things I write, but at least I’m stretching my creative juices with it all. I write more in a script format than I do in prose, which isn’t surprising. I’ve always loved script writing more I just didn’t think I could use it as an outlet for the world and stories I want to tell… But now, after writing a sci-fi television script and outline, I think I may try to adapt my fantasy world into a script or two. 

I harbor no illusions; I won’t produce the scripts I write.

I should rephrase that: I don’t expect to produce the scripts I write.

This form of writing is for me to tell a story I’m excited about, in a format that encourages me to be efficient and go ham on dialogue (I love writing dialogue). Maybe one day I’ll try to produce one of the many scripts I’ve written in the last six months… But for now, I’m happy with keeping them to myself.

I wish I could tell my former playwriting students how much they inspired me. 

Have you felt the burning desire to leave? It’s a feeling I often get. In my commute to work, I daydream I drive onward. I wonder what waits for me on the horizon. Would anyone care I disappeared? This feeling began long ago, when I was fresh out of high school and smitten with a girl I barely knew. A part of me wanted to runaway then, to drive to California and become a filmmaker, though I had no knowledge or skills.

I’m still that boy, after 17 years.

The urge to runaway is strong. The problem, I already did that. So many times. I ran off to California. Then to Kansas City. Louisville not long after. I found my way back to Arkansas, where I stayed for a bit. Then Japan came calling… Only for me to realize I missed my dogs more than I cared to breathe. So I went back to Arkansas, where I’ve been for the past year.

I’m still that boy, after 17 years.

Journey before destination, my favorite book series often says (the Stormlight Archives, for anyone curious). I often wonder what that means. Is it the physical journey? The emotional? Perhaps mental? All three? My body, mind, and spirit often want to chase a journey before ever knowing where I’m going. Does it matter where we end up, so long as the journey changes us?

I’m still that boy, after 17 years.

I think each of my journeys has changed me in subtle ways. Before California, I was angry. Before Kansas City, I thought I’d never find my passion. Before Louisville, I felt stuck in a never-ending loop of drunken nights and terrible mornings. Before Japan, I thought I had found peace in breaking the cycle. Now, I’m falling into the same cycle of searching instead of facing myself. One slight slip, and the void will consume me. The urge to
runaway keeps knocking.

I’m not that boy, after 17 years.

I need to stop running from a past that’s a part of me.

I need to stop running so I can heal.

I need to stop running.

Next week is finals week!

Well, my students don’t really have finals, just projects they have to turn in. My sound design students have to design a full show of their choice. My creative writing folks have a portfolio that requires a new piece of writing (can be fiction, script, poems, or whatever else they can come up with), a reflection, and a revision of a previous piece. After that, it’s the end of my teaching journey (for now). I’m not returning to my current position in the Fall and, as of writing this, no prospect for the Fall, but that’s okay. I’ll figure out where to go after a break from thinking about the monetary struggles that will soon be more apparent to me than ever before.

That’s a joke. Sort of.

I’m applying for jobs, of course. I have my eyes set on a teaching position that I would consider a dream. Though, if I want to work in higher education as a creative writing professor or theatre artist, I need traditional publishing credits. I’m lacking in that field, in part because I don’t know where to begin and the other part is fear. I have production credits for theatre, but I want to teach playwriting… And, well, I only have two credits for plays I wrote almost a decade ago.

So, I’m in a bind. What does a person do when they have no real trade skills and no publishing credits to pursue their passion of teaching? 

Stream. 

Write.

Hope. 

Hope is doing the heavy lifting here.

Right now, I’m working on the Lavender Knight. A short story turned into a novella. However, the more I write, the more I’m realizing that this could very well turn into a full fledge novel. My original vision was to share chapters of the novella on the website… That is still, somewhat, the goal. The chapters I’m sharing, I’m dubbing The Lavender Knight: Rough Draft Chronicles. I’m going to share the first 7 Chapters in rough draft form (I may share more beyond the seven). 

I’ve said this before, but I’m a big fan of showing early work to showcase that not everything is perfect or realized in the beginning of the writing process. That holds true here. I want folks to see the origin of my stories, if they are ever curious how, where, and what state the ideas took shape. It might be silly to some, but to me this is absolute joy to share. If I never get published, at least random people can stumble upon the silly stories I’ve crafted. 

While I may be unemployed soon, at least I can take comfort in these passion projects. Streaming is a great distract (though I’ve fallen off a good deal this past month). Writing is my first love. The unknown of what is coming doesn’t scare me. I know I’ll find something that will help pay the bills… It may just take a bit of time. 

So, come on finals week! Let’s wrap up the semester so we can chase after big dreams and passion projects.

Shoehorning this in here.

With The Lavender Knight taking on a larger role than expected (I thought I could make it a short story), I’m changing the original release schedule (found here). Instead of the last day of the month, I’m going to make it the last Monday of the month starting in May. This is to ensure a consistent day of the week rather than being all over the place (week wise). 

On a side note: Chapter names have also changed. 

From April 30 onward, expect a writing stream on my Twitch channel every last Wednesday of the month. I will work on the rough drafts for the Lavender Knight live. So, if you want to hangout, ask questions, and/or write together, feel free to join me (here). I may read the stories out loud but, mostly, I’ll focus on the writing part… With occasional commentary. 

So, the release schedule update (for the rest of the year)

• April 30 – Chapter II: Uncomfortable Truths
• May 26 – Chapter III: Shadow Fox
• June 30 – Chapter IV: A Timely Arrival
• July 28 – Chapter V: The Choice
• August 25 – Chapter VI: The Final Bout
• September 29 – Chapter VII: Dreams of Love
• October 27 – The Spirit of Crystal Lake (Spooky short story)

November & December: Projects pending… I hope you like stars. I hope you like water. I hope you like remote islands with a silly crew of outlaws (not pirates, but pirates are there too). 

I’m counting down the days until the end of the semester. It feels far away and so close. Our perception of time moves fast and slow. Some events in our lives are so significant they feel like they happened yesterday. There are days that feel longer than other days with no meaningful moment to remember. The idea of time tricks our brains, and memories. Memories fade as our age grows. Or, at least, memories become harder to remember with each passing day. We are simply riding a current through time-from the moment we become an idea to our last moments in the universe.

Odd how that works.

Odd that I find peace as I write this. I’m getting older, probably not wiser. My body aches in ways that I don’t recall ever happening a decade ago when I was twenty-five and lost. I have dreams that seem far away, and far behind me.

Odd how that works.

I write this at this time because the semester will soon end. I taught Playwriting and Sound Design this school year. Gratitude for the opportunity doesn’t even explore how much that meant to me. A student thanked me for guiding him through his own sound design dreams. Pride and admiration in his growth doesn’t explain what those words meant to me.

Although time may deceive us, I will never forget these last two semesters of teaching classes I never imagined myself leading. If this is to be the last time I teach, I’m glad Playwriting and Sound Design are off my bucket list as I continue through the universe, and time continues on.

Lately, I’ve been grappling with my perception of religion. I grew up Catholic. My dad’s side of the family is all Catholic. My mom’s side is Catholic with a bit of Southern Baptist. I never related, nor practiced, any of it. I went to church due to my parents. When I got older, they gave me a choice to go or not go. When my sister and I both said we would prefer not to go, my parents stopped going all together. These days, for my parents and myself, we only step foot in a church for deaths and at the requests of my grandparents (on my dad’s side). My sister found a church (and religion) that works for her well into her twenties.

I have yet to find a church or faith that resonates with me.

Most organized religions rub me the wrong way because of their beliefs on queer people or in the attempt to dictate a person’s life. These two things are hard non-negotiables for me when religion, politics, and relationships are involved. I rarely talk about my sexuality but, for anyone curious, I am pansexual—meaning, I do not care if a person is male, female, trans, of nonbinary, I’m attracted to all. With the focus of a majority of religions against that concept, it’s hard for me to find a place within a church community.

As for dictating a person’s life, I find it absurd that we need a book or priest to tell us what is right or wrong. I despise the idea of confession or that going to church will wash away your sins. Faith and attending church shouldn’t be a blind check to treat others like shit or force others to believe in your religion. When all this comes together, I find it hard to invest energy in a church that, at its core, would never accept me for who I am or use attending on a Sunday as means to ‘wash away’ the sins they’ve committed.

The philosophical debate of morality isn’t something I want to debate about, so don’t @ me to prove a point.

To be clear, I’m not against anyone’s choice of faith or practices. My sister has found comfort in her church and faith—I’m happy she has. The peace it has brought her has improved her life. I recognize the positives it can have on people, but I wish people also acknowledged the negative it can have when forced to believe in something. The trauma of being told how to live and who to love within the wrappings of religion is a real and tragic happening—especially in the Bible belt of the United States (sorry for making this U.S. specific). When most faith preach love, but the practitioners don’t seem to follow, it’s a bit jarring and uninviting. When your beliefs supersede someone else because your way is the ‘right’, that makes others feel alienated.

We shouldn’t dismiss other people because of their faith. Respect (in other people’s faith) is a must in our daily lives, no matter where our differences lie. If we can’t do that as a society, then we have failed. Others have expressed this far more eloquently than I. My feelings are nothing new or unique regarding religion. However, I drown in the idea of faith.

I believe in something. Perhaps you could call it God, though I wouldn’t use the word god. There are not any specific belief systems I follow, though I do often think about finding peace and balance to my life. I’ve flirted with Buddhism but pushed back against a few fundamental aspects of the faith. The Abrahamic religions are nonstarters for me—to0 much baggage and a lot of nonsense surrounding those belief systems that makes it hard to embrace them. So, I wonder… Where do I fit in?

Peace comes from the moments in nature, where there is only me, perhaps my dogs, and the world. No strife. No people. Only nature and me.

Balance comes from embracing my flaws and learning from them. Humans should always strive to grow and transform, whether it’s through knowledge, relationships, or beliefs.

Faith comes from believing the best in people, and accepting they are good at heart. Faith comes from the peace that helps bring balance in those brilliant moments with nature.

These are my beliefs and I’m not sure where that leaves me. None of it requires me to pray to a nebulous god or to follow a priest. Am I religious? No. Am I spiritual? Not really. Yet, I find I do follow something, just as I believe in something.

I wish I had a word for both.

Breathe in. Breathe out. The semester is winding down. 

I will soon find myself back on the unemployment train, on a track to parts unknown.

Oddly, this doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. In the past, the idea of being jobless ate at me. What should I do? Where do I go? How do I crawl out of this unthinkable situation? So many thoughts would pierce my mind that it would send me spiraling into depression. Now, however, I’m finding that I can swim in the sea of uncertainty. I’m not scared or nervous of what’s coming. I see the shores that will, hopefully, become a new home—whether it’s a new job or a continuation of the routine I’ve found myself in.

I now appreciate the power of routine more than I did in my twenties. When I was younger, I flew by the seams of my pants. I didn’t care for schedules. Routines felt restrictive. This is one reason I rebelled against the idea of schools. You’re telling me I had to attend class? No, thank you! I’ll learn on my own time.

With age catching up, I find comfort in establishing a routine. I set aside time every day to stream, workout, read, and, most importantly, write. I found a routine that works around my teaching schedule and lessens the stress of the day.

While My streaming remains unfocused, I’m far more consistent now than before. Exercise is new to me. My workouts are simple and unremarkable, but they’re improving my health. Reading is well, reading. After graduate school, I fell off from reading anything for pleasure—an odd thing to confess, I know. I try to finish a book once a month, to uphold a New Year’s resolution I made to myself. 

Writing is the most important aspect of my routine. It allows me to be present in time with my thoughts and imagination. I don’t have to worry about the viewers who consume my stream or help a student. Writing lets me be. I find peace through my writing routines. It’s also given me valuable time to keep pushing on with the world I’m building and all the stories within. Plus, blogs like this have helped put my anxiety into words. 

Though, I confess, I need to increase the frequency in which I write. While I try to write around the same time every day, I do skip the time I carved out from time to time. And I found I write closer to my weekly deadline than spreading it out over the week, or months. With the semester ending, I will increase the frequency… And, hopefully, give me more time to write at even pace than write in crunch mode.

I’m more confident now, as I transition to a new chapter, than ever before. This end isn’t as scary as past ones. Whether good or bad, at least I’ll have my routine to keep me afloat. I have my routine to keep me focused.

Back in December 2024, I laid out a plan to share multiple short stories that take place in the world I’m building for a much larger project (a multi-book series). The goal remains the same, mostly. However, The Lavender Knight grew into something longer, and more ambitious, than I initially intended. While not a full novel, it’s falling into a weird place where it’s a bit too long to be a single short, but not long enough to be a novella. So, instead of a single long short, I’m breaking it into short ‘chapters’. A single chapter will release every month.

The current chapter release schedule:

• March 31 –  Chapter I: Lavender Knight
• April 30 – Chapter II: Lord of Star Keep
• May 31 – Chapter III: Shadow Fox
• June 30 – Chapter IV: Lady Kira
• July 31 – Chapter V: A Dream of Love
• August 31 – Chapter VI: Shadow Dragon 
• September 30 – Chapter VII: Finale

Each chapter will be around 2,000 words. This is subject to change (both in word count and dates). 

For a quick synopsis, The Lavender Knight follows Ezra Lavender, son and heir to Lord Elio Lavender of Star Keep, as he competes in a tournament honoring the birthday of Tamera Vernus, daughter to High Lord Aurilus Vernus. As the tournament finishes its semi-finals, Ezra receives word of his father’s sudden death and the inevitable arrival of his older sister, Kira. As he prepares for the finals, Ezra faces tough choices that will shape not only his fate but House Lavender as well. 

Beyond this brief series, Ezra plays a prominent role in the YA novel I’m writing. He serves as a companion/protector to the main character(s). I fell in love with Ezra as I worked on my novel and wanted to explore his rather mysterious background (not so mysterious anymore)! He is a Knight of the Imperium, but so much more that not even the main character(s) will know about. While the series is far darker than the YA series itself, Ezra will appear in other projects as well. 

Because of this change, this also means my plans for other shorts are changing slightly. I’ll have an update for that soon as well! I’m still working on many stories, so bear with me as I adjust my writing schedule! 

On a side note, on Wednesday, March 26, I started to do writing streams on my Twitch channel. Going forward, the last Wednesday of every month on my twitch channel is dedicated to sharing my writing. Various aspects of my shorts, novel, and overall world building will be shared! So, if you’re interested in seeing my process of writing, join me on the last Wednesday every month!