Depression in Streaming
Streaming on Twitch is something I started because I figured why not stream while I play. As time went on, I became more interested in trying to make it something more than just a hobby. But more often than not, I find myself ending stream sessions feeling empty. Not tired, but emotionally low. Depressed. Like none of it matters. It’s been especially true since the beast of unemployment came knocking.
Sometimes the lack of viewers causes me small panic. Watching the numbers hover at one, two, or more often than not zero causes me to doubt everything, including myself. I try not to obsess over it, but it’s hard not to notice when it feels like no one’s listening, no one’s watching, no one’s there. It reminds me of how empty I am.
Other times it’s my gameplay. I mess up. I fumble through what should be a simple combat encounter. Or I forget an important story beat. Or, more recently, completely forgot to sell a certain material for money.
What kills me the most is the follow-unfollow that happens. I panic and wonder if I did something wrong. Maybe I did. Maybe they just wanted a follow back. I don’t know. I’ll never know.
I watch other streamers have a ton of fun or be effortlessly entertaining, and I can’t help but feel like I fall short. I tell myself not to compare, but that voice still creeps in: Why would anyone watch me when there are so many better, funnier, more talented people out there?
And then there’s the energy. Some days I just don’t have it. I hit “Go Live” already feeling drained. I try to push through it, fake a smile, be upbeat for whoever might tune in, but inside, I feel like I’m running on fumes.
The truth is, I believe I don’t matter in the streaming space. That I’m invisible. That what I’m doing is pointless.
And yet… here I am, still showing up. Still trying. Because something in me wants to believe I can do this. That maybe my presence does matter. That somewhere out there, someone might need to hear this and feel a little less alone.
I don’t have an uplifting conclusion or magic fix. These are just ramblings of an increasingly jaded content creator. I don’t have advice to give for anyone else who may feel this way. I’m just trying to be honest about what this feels like. Maybe I’ll come back and add to this when I’m in a better headspace.
Either way, if you’ve ever streamed and felt like this… I see you. I hear you. You’re not alone. I hope you will keep pushing on.
Jesús M. Rivera 