It’s over.
For better or worse.
I’m no longer employed. I have no job or major source of income. I have a few hundred dollars saved, but not enough if something drastic happens. My streamer life flounders. Writing brings comfort, but I debate: self-publish or chase after traditional routes?
I feel liberated and terrified. I try to stay positive, but last night (Sunday night at the time of writing this), I spiraled into a depression.
I know what I want to do. Write. Stream. Survive.
Though survival requires a job. And, truthfully, I’m not great at the whole ‘job’ thing. A traditional 9 to 5 is not worth it for my sanity, no matter the salary. I’m stubborn and question everything—making me a nightmare for employers. I love teaching but this is a hard thing to pursue at a university level. I need a publishing history to secure employment beyond an adjunct position.
For six years, I’ve planned writing and streaming goals. None of it has paid off. I’ve struggled to be consistent. My streaming numbers show no growth; I’m losing followers and have 0 subscribers after a huge boost in February. My writing sits in a vacuum. I write a lot, but I’m scared to release anything to the world.
I love both. They keep me sane and focused when I feel myself falling into the depression that creeps into my brain. They are what I love and cherish as hobbies.
They are important parts of a life I want to live.
So where do I go from here?
I’ll keep writing, of course.
I’ll keep streaming too. It’s the only way I play video games now.
I tell myself to reign in my dreams, but it’s hard, you know? Why continue on when your dreams have gone?
I don’t intend this blog to be depressing. I know the last few have all sounded the same. I wrote this blog in a post-melancholic episode. I chose to share, despite the self-pity coloring in my words. I’m a dreamer. It’s soul-crushing when reality deviates from your plans. It’s time I simply accept it.
It’s hard, though. I’m too damn stubborn.
It’s time I pick myself up and keep going. Yes. I’m unemployed. Yes, I’m drowning in student debt. Yes, I am still living with my parents who keep taking me in when my dreams hit a dead end. Despite all that, I keep getting back up. I keep daring to dream.
For better or worse.
One foot after another,
I’ll find my path forward, through all the muck and grime.
For better or worse.
One foot after another,
My journey will continue through the trials and tribulations.
For better or worse.
One foot after another,
That’s all anyone can ever do.
Jesús M. Rivera 