Running

Have you felt the burning desire to leave? It’s a feeling I often get. In my commute to work, I daydream I drive onward. I wonder what waits for me on the horizon. Would anyone care I disappeared? This feeling began long ago, when I was fresh out of high school and smitten with a girl I barely knew. A part of me wanted to runaway then, to drive to California and become a filmmaker, though I had no knowledge or skills.

I’m still that boy, after 17 years.

The urge to runaway is strong. The problem, I already did that. So many times. I ran off to California. Then to Kansas City. Louisville not long after. I found my way back to Arkansas, where I stayed for a bit. Then Japan came calling… Only for me to realize I missed my dogs more than I cared to breathe. So I went back to Arkansas, where I’ve been for the past year.

I’m still that boy, after 17 years.

Journey before destination, my favorite book series often says (the Stormlight Archives, for anyone curious). I often wonder what that means. Is it the physical journey? The emotional? Perhaps mental? All three? My body, mind, and spirit often want to chase a journey before ever knowing where I’m going. Does it matter where we end up, so long as the journey changes us?

I’m still that boy, after 17 years.

I think each of my journeys has changed me in subtle ways. Before California, I was angry. Before Kansas City, I thought I’d never find my passion. Before Louisville, I felt stuck in a never-ending loop of drunken nights and terrible mornings. Before Japan, I thought I had found peace in breaking the cycle. Now, I’m falling into the same cycle of searching instead of facing myself. One slight slip, and the void will consume me. The urge to
runaway keeps knocking.

I’m not that boy, after 17 years.

I need to stop running from a past that’s a part of me.

I need to stop running so I can heal.

I need to stop running.