Lately, I’ve been grappling with my perception of religion. I grew up Catholic. My dad’s side of the family is all Catholic. My mom’s side is Catholic with a bit of Southern Baptist. I never related, nor practiced, any of it. I went to church due to my parents. When I got older, they gave me a choice to go or not go. When my sister and I both said we would prefer not to go, my parents stopped going all together. These days, for my parents and myself, we only step foot in a church for deaths and at the requests of my grandparents (on my dad’s side). My sister found a church (and religion) that works for her well into her twenties.
I have yet to find a church or faith that resonates with me.
Most organized religions rub me the wrong way because of their beliefs on queer people or in the attempt to dictate a person’s life. These two things are hard non-negotiables for me when religion, politics, and relationships are involved. I rarely talk about my sexuality but, for anyone curious, I am pansexual—meaning, I do not care if a person is male, female, trans, of nonbinary, I’m attracted to all. With the focus of a majority of religions against that concept, it’s hard for me to find a place within a church community.
As for dictating a person’s life, I find it absurd that we need a book or priest to tell us what is right or wrong. I despise the idea of confession or that going to church will wash away your sins. Faith and attending church shouldn’t be a blind check to treat others like shit or force others to believe in your religion. When all this comes together, I find it hard to invest energy in a church that, at its core, would never accept me for who I am or use attending on a Sunday as means to ‘wash away’ the sins they’ve committed.
The philosophical debate of morality isn’t something I want to debate about, so don’t @ me to prove a point.
To be clear, I’m not against anyone’s choice of faith or practices. My sister has found comfort in her church and faith—I’m happy she has. The peace it has brought her has improved her life. I recognize the positives it can have on people, but I wish people also acknowledged the negative it can have when forced to believe in something. The trauma of being told how to live and who to love within the wrappings of religion is a real and tragic happening—especially in the Bible belt of the United States (sorry for making this U.S. specific). When most faith preach love, but the practitioners don’t seem to follow, it’s a bit jarring and uninviting. When your beliefs supersede someone else because your way is the ‘right’, that makes others feel alienated.
We shouldn’t dismiss other people because of their faith. Respect (in other people’s faith) is a must in our daily lives, no matter where our differences lie. If we can’t do that as a society, then we have failed. Others have expressed this far more eloquently than I. My feelings are nothing new or unique regarding religion. However, I drown in the idea of faith.
I believe in something. Perhaps you could call it God, though I wouldn’t use the word god. There are not any specific belief systems I follow, though I do often think about finding peace and balance to my life. I’ve flirted with Buddhism but pushed back against a few fundamental aspects of the faith. The Abrahamic religions are nonstarters for me—to0 much baggage and a lot of nonsense surrounding those belief systems that makes it hard to embrace them. So, I wonder… Where do I fit in?
Peace comes from the moments in nature, where there is only me, perhaps my dogs, and the world. No strife. No people. Only nature and me.
Balance comes from embracing my flaws and learning from them. Humans should always strive to grow and transform, whether it’s through knowledge, relationships, or beliefs.
Faith comes from believing the best in people, and accepting they are good at heart. Faith comes from the peace that helps bring balance in those brilliant moments with nature.
These are my beliefs and I’m not sure where that leaves me. None of it requires me to pray to a nebulous god or to follow a priest. Am I religious? No. Am I spiritual? Not really. Yet, I find I do follow something, just as I believe in something.
I wish I had a word for both.
Jesús M. Rivera 