I near thirty-five years of age (my birthday is less than a week away). My brain has ventured into the realm of relationships. Romantic relationships. I can’t help but take the time to reflect and write about it. It’s a part of my life that I’ve neglected and ignored for the better part of a decade. I have stayed single and avoided romance in every sense of the word. Relationships have always been a struggle for me, regardless of the form they take. I find it hard to open up to folks, and I’m so introverted that I avoid getting close to people. The clock ticks away and as I age, I wonder if I’ll find the right person.
Relationships are hard work, no matter what kind you’re pursing. Friendships. Romances. Family. All of it convoluted and messy. I ruled out relationships because I’m not confident in myself. I’m an insecure mess with how people view me and how I view myself. It’s a hard thing to shake—a wall I’m doing my best to climb over. A lack of confidence also means a lack of feeling worthy of someone. I don’t feel like I have much to offer beyond… Me. And me isn’t something I think is all that great—most of the time.
Oh, sure, I’m well educated and passionate, but when you dive into my brain space, I’m all over the place. I have one toe into streaming but scared to submerge myself. I want a PhD but, with the current fight on education, I’m scared to chase after it. Relationships entice me but I’m too nervous to pursue a gosh darn thing and horrible at picking up social cues that indicate interest.
Fear seems to hold me back.
Fear plays into the lack of confidence.
How do you shake that fear when it’s all you’ve known for so long? Is there anything that can be done?
I’m doing a lot better in my journey towards confidence. Streaming has helped a lot. Oddly, so has teaching. Neither really offer much in the way of romance. Perhaps I’m overthinking it all. Maybe one day, I will be able to open up to someone and pursue the very thing that has me sitting here… Thinking. And writing. Maybe I’ll get lucky, and I’ll meet the right person at the right time.
A boy can dream. A boy can find confidence. I know I am. A little a bit at a time.
Jesús M. Rivera 